lets jus take this slowly

why feel so stressed when doing work? take it slowly, lower down the anxiety, take it step by step........

thanks for learning one new thing

hmm? a normal update?

so, christmas's just over. went out lots of times, compared to last year i said i will not celebrate christmas ever again...

so, on saturday i began saying that i'm feeling abit too high, need to go out do crazy stuff... eventually we did a few days later... yea it was fun... we need to do this kind of stuff more...? break the culture, let's go do epic stuff.

but, must not be overjoyful.

back~~~

yay one year of work finally finished today (yesterday)....

glad? yay...



but, i dunoe why, i did not feel i succeeded, i only had 5 interruptions, i still tink its ugly, and i dont tink i'll be able to find myself online, and i dun wan to tink about what i did yst

the main objective is: take a video to submit to nicodouga, cosplay is second priority

the video is trash, we could have did MUCH better, it was terrible, worse than our regular dance practices. we wasted such a good opportunity. luckily we did 2 loops of epic dances in the end to fill up the day...



haiz. i had both succeeded and failed.




a few days before i was thinking, could this be the one time that NOTHING goes wrong? i got all my costume parts, we are back on the stage, and ultimately, i completed what i needed to do. I was wondering when will God strike something out of nowhere, but no, things were kinda successful, so thank You. Ultimately, i had made many frens, even though the video failed, we will do it another time.

chaos day

ok lets get all these out



yayyy they revived digimon in singapore!!!!




okay... fu..
so, we are back in performance. what? now i only hav 5 days to get my costume ready? argh. im really not happy at all... seriously... while everyone is like jumping around, we were previously like so free to think about what we wanna do, and suddenly the organiser apologised saying they made a mistake...

cannon = bear with it. helmet = no hope. underwear? gonna work on it. boots? haiz



reading all my previous cell's ppl's blogs... haha.. so many have changed... everyone is starting to see the rest of the world... many have not experienced traumatic experiences that they can always praise God... man, it's been so long...

one night i suddenly felt scared (you know, like out of nowhere you feel like you are being watched), i realised, man i miss worship...



is it good? will this continue? there's nowhere else i can continue going, i'm having fun with my weekly activities, im jus going to continue this path...

haiz, from all free to suddenly so stress right now... arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


my parents still hasnt come back yet, not tat im sure of the time anyway... but as usual, my mind goes wild... so, here's a peek of what i'm thinking... what if ... argh after writing for awhile i realised maybe it's not a good idea to type out what i'm thinking...


so, no one else in the church has experienced any close one's death? looks like friend's death happens really infrequently... the one time it happened, it was right in my face... i'm surprised everyone in the cell is still alive... and haven't experienced anything similar...



and great.. someone realised what my pm means and decided to adopt it in a more apparent manner "24819 days to live" (he's always this kind of mischief)... not that im angry at him anyway coz he's like that... but tat will definitely make more ppl realise what my pm means... haiz

short dolt

before i forget


"if i want to be depressed, i just need to flip open the newspaper" that's why i stopped reading news already. and stop being concerned with the world.
"for each thing you love, there will be a great test that determines how much you love it. that is death."

o yay, 10 months of work finally just passed the first stage

yay audition is over, lets hope we get in~

a few people have known what i've been doing... and i think people will gonna find out sooner or later, those who have seen us at afa doing our silly stuff ーωー...

i would show videos but they are either in private or in a "need to register" site.

probably my most fun year.. now i just have my last obstacle to tackle... in the midst of heavy work..

hope teacher wont throw another deadline right before the 2 weeks..

i'll wait til the official video is finished, many people have seen what we are doing, before i talk about it..

ops, there are already videos out there.. unofficial ones.. that have accidentally captured us while randomly filming around

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7h3WEbjJ3I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT-x4lT9rHs

and crap.. one of the comments was directed at me... though i was like beside so many people..






whoa, they changed that much.. 2 years havent seen them... haiz... did they all rejected me, or did i personally reject them through my hate... but still i will still want to be with you all, but you havent reciprocated the effort that i made... yea all the talk about Love... and none of you showed that i'm allowed to be back with you people... more like forgotten about me i guess... thats so ironic..

dolt: "You are so obssessed with your "Lost Souls" redemption that you forgot about the ones who are close"
"You are my friends, but I am not your friend."

hmmm come to think of it... 2-4 years ago, when i'm still in church, there's always talk about Revival... and, while Christianity is gaining acception, you people haven't changed personality wise at all..




talentwise, i guess my art and craft is improving, but i dun tink i can raise my musical aspect much at all, maybe i'm too slow...
Buster needs another repair, helmet still not done.. and my trunks... and my boots... haiz





hey, are you nice up there? it's been so long since i talked to you, or visited you (sorry.. i'm lazy..), it's been fun here RH.. thanks for this year



and yea, i will never flip to the front page or tell anybody about this blog.. i tink only 1 person noes.. and this blog's k0sm0s and the real life k0sm0s are 2 seperate entities, and does not know what the other one is doing at all, so no point asking about the blog's content in real life, because he doesn't know at all.

progress 50%?

left 4 parts, yay

no, havent been tinking much.. too stress.. has been managing time too much lately..

2 weeks left, yay

ahhhh~~~

decisive day coming... time is also running out... hope i can finish the thing...

argh too much work to split time to... have to stop my imas project for the meantime if i want to get school work and the thing done..

wonder if i shall reveal to others what im doing... anyone with a bit of skill can find out since the videos are up...

damn that one person who knows..

nov 10

mood: 80/100

whee fun day yst... havent been so tired for such a long time...

filming is awesome.. though there were some stuff i wanted to shoot but well the results were awesome...

then.. continue to afternoon.. drink coffee and got hyper... argh

can't... move... whole body aches




now.. to convert the videos...





"look around you and you'll see God everywhere... it's all about your mindset"

ok i'm happy today... thank you God

mood: 50/50

thank You God for my mother's mercy on me this morning.

im starting to get addicted to my project... kept spending too much time on it... well gotta rush anyway

until i realise my code is getting more and more messy... like alternating capital and non capital words..

creating functions just to test out codes when it is not structurally correct...

ah well, yay 2D grid based movement is fun... had not wanted to do that but it looks nicer... and will save me alot of collision detection problems...

sat vid recording.. hope i can finish my cannon quickly...








i kept forgetting to tick down my days...

now wad to do without cards again...

so many days lazy to post..

theres so much thoughts but i forgotten them all... anyway

if you are happy, things can only go worse, so be careful when you are very happy, thats when you are in the most danger.

today's mood is 30%

lost my freaking wallet AGAIN. 4 months after i made my ic... crap.
God, please let that whoever person pick it up be a kind soul and return my ic...
God. Please.

the same old thoughts happened whenever i encounted a bad situation:

"Please God have mercy on me, o right i havent been very nice to You lately... but, please, I don't want this to happen again, please let me find back my lost item, please let that person be kind, please let it be at the police post... PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME..
ok if things go well i promise i will go back to You... ah crap that was so unsincere.. but still, what can i do!?!@#@#! its not like i can't help feeling like that!! Really God please don't play a joke on me like that..

Ok i know... everything will go bad for me right? I wont be able to get it back. I know. Heck, I give up. I dont think I can change Your decision... if You want to hurt me today its not like i can do anything about it.. ok i give up... i assume for the worse... i dun tink i can change Your mind if You decided to hurt me today..."

and so, i never got it back, as usual.

but still, there were miracles before like getting my laptop back at the arcade.. that was a real miracle i can't deny, the very rare chance of God's mercy on me.. still, He decided i should get it stolen much later...




"but still.... i dont want to go thru this again... please at least i want my ic back... "





sometimes people say you should thank God for the bad things that did not happen. I used to believe in that too, evident from one of my earlier posts.. but now thinking about it, its unrealistic... i mean, i thank God that today i did not die, i did not get injured, i did not get my laptop stolen, my parents came home safely, no one i know die today, theres electricity and food and water and housing for me.. that i still get to have fun today... i mean, its unrealistic.. its NOT natural... indeed when you are happy, things can only go bad... my theory has always been proved correct and i still failed to be on the alert for dangers everyday especially when i'm in a state of succesive happiness... i always forget about the dangers that could happen... even as innocent as carrying a bunch of stuff back, walking, knowing that i placed the wallet in my pocket...





on the slight more upbeat note why im so happy, yea cannon is nearly completed.. its such a miracle... but haiz my cash... anyway bought a whole bunch of stuff today... spray cans, paper for wrapping... more raw materials... i def dun wan to waste time to go there again, and lose another thing maybe... need to work... 4 weeks left...

ops forgot yst... 2 days of dolt

this is by my fren who just randomly said it, but its true

if someone wants a coke and you buy him a pepsi, he don't mind. BUT if he wants pepsi and you buy him a coke, yes it's wrong.

if someone wants a sprite and you buy him a 7-up, he don't mind. BUT if he wants 7-up and you buy him a sprite, yes it's wrong. (i like pepsi and i understand why...)



Thinking about how to go about doing things often raises its difficulty until you actually go do it.

yesterday:
even though it was tiring yesterday and i didnt plan to go, but still i just feel like going and glad i enjoyed it... most importantly i need to improve...

today:
yea cant believe im actually making progress when i try and its pretty fun... but looking at other people's makes me lower my standards...

so, i told 3 people today what i've been doing... these people are no way going to interfere with my daily life anyway so i guess its okay? or i guess i'm just telling them out of pride again... haiz...

will this fail? will it be cursed again? it always happens...

k0sm0s DOLT

Tasty does not equal to hungry. Food fills your hunger at the same rate irregardless of whether the taste is good or bad. And after you are full, tasty food does not feel tasty anymore.




maybe i just like to do things unconventionally (like drawing using MSPaint, playing games using a touchpad, making videos with just standard tools, composing with a DS...) since i know i'm not particularly skilled at anything.. the skills i have are plenty but they always fall right below "good", thus i can never showcase anything much. Thus doing these things using the most free, basic tools available is what I like, hoping that someday these basic tools can become my sharpest hidden weapon. Which probably explains why I bought such a lousy laptop to programme with, since it helps to hone my patience and stuff and keep things simple.

But yet, out of all the talents i have, theres no exceptional ones.. programming is right below the pros, bla, bla, and i always have to train myself using my own methods, while others had a foundation right from childhood..





5am - yay!!! finally my awesome map loader is complete!!! now i can finally start working on the game!!!

k0sm0s's daily one line thought?

The best friends are those whom you aren't very close to...





argh my skill still sucks after i watched the video.. damn thought i had improved...
and i need more motivation to do work

So... after a whole year of preparation..

this has become something quite epic, unusual, anti-cultural, and i'm glad to have become an active part of this crazy weekly activity.

That, even the utter failure of the initial objective is not so much importance to the group now, because we had perhaps achieved it through another way already.

When can I reveal to others what am I doing... This involves my other side of me.. so perhaps for comfort's sake i dun tink so..

Though i still hope to reach our initial goal because this is what we have spent a whole year doing, and in this process we have managed to break through alot of cultural barriers

When a group of strangers asked us last week "How do you all do it? How come my club's people are not as open as you all? Do you all have experience in this before?"

Pretty proud to say "Nope, all of us started fresh this year. We all learnt everything from scratch. And we all started out as shy as anybody but just wanted to learn it. Eventually we got pretty crazy and started doing this in public and don't care how many people are staring at us, because we are pretty sure no one else would be like this and we wanted to be one."

Anyway, it seems that 'fate' punishes me constantly from seeking attention of any kind, I shall be that anonymous person working on his own things...

yay before school

ok yay tmr no school since it is like tues and thursday only... wait what? the timetable is updated? NOOOOOO

so school starts on monday 10am, i slept around 2am... And i worried about waking up since I didn't tell my mum i'm having school today... And for some reason I woke up at 5am... Oh that was a pretty nice and sweet dream... eh wait, lets recall that dream again... o crap why the hell did I dream of that!? What am I thinking!? This person's just a normal friend, no way will I ever get acquainted with her... seriously... ahhh

there were more before this but now I'm too awake I can't recall.. but when I slept again after this startling woke up, I had a dream about my dog suddenly in pain, and it was revealed he is ready to grow his 3rd set of legs (think, a tadpole becoming a frog) and we pulled the hind legs out and it haad to begin to get used to walking with 6 legs.. At no point did I realise that was impossible until I woke up, reexamined my dream, and goodness do dogs have 6 legs?

Argh must work must work must work.

dah! tired..

3.29 am, i just finished my set of data (work). tomoro got work at 10am.

ya im blogging now becoz im feeling emo. i realised that everyday i got home from work i feel very sad. maybe because i did nothing meaningful but work. sure its making money. but maybe im the type that loves to create things myself. doing other people's things are damn meaningless to me. but yet if i dont take this job, i cant afford the things i want.

and i got a dilemma, you see, its counted by hours. i've optimised my work routines many times compared to when i first started (things like opening 2 windows together, reorganising their spreadsheet so i can copy and paste data instead of wasting time scrolling, highlighting so i know where i am instead of finding entries). and the faster i finish, the less pay i get. but i really want to get out of this asap, the work place's ppl are not really friendly (NOT mean, but basically its boring). currently data is at 350. i got 988 data. my work rate is 70-80 data per day. plus some cannot be updated due to insufficient information. anyways, i want this to finish asap.

phew, job over

so, suddenly call me and ask me if i want to replace one person (because he's sick), of coz want la, currently no job.. so next day go work straight away.. (which sort of clashed with a previous schedule, but heck care, just go work)

job: audio logistics crew. move those speakers, play the cd, bla bla..

1st day: report at 1pm. load stuff into van, unload there, set up all the equipment, wrap them up. off to next location. again. off to third location. again. i cant believe its only 6 hours, but that day felt damn long and tiring.

2nd day: report at 11am. plug wires. ferried to second location. plug wires, tidy the cabling. wait for event to over. leave at 9pm. not so tiring though coz evening we were just watching the thing.. no chairs to sit the whole day. no toilet or food around either.. yea, theres no toilet, no chairs.

3rd day: report at 9am. i expected everything to finish at 10-11pm.

9am-12pm: rearrange stuff. watch press conference. get to eat their buffet. this time they actually brought chairs.

12pm-1pm: take down everything and pack everything.

1pm-3pm: take down and pack everything up and load it into vehicle. go back office to unload. rest for awhile.

4-5pm: rearrange stuff at their office. prepare to go next venue.

5pm-7pm: test everything. wait for event to start.

7-11pm: watch the event, relax, eat.

11pm-1am: start packing up. load. go back office. unload. go back venue. load. go back office. unload.

total pay: $200... not very much.. plus its technically work 4 days la.. now damn damn damn tired.. never scotchtaped so many stuff in my life before.. although the event was quite interesting la.. its international event with famous names.. tiring but fun and interesting job.

nothing much, 20000 days remaining on this earth

woo! count until 20000 days remaining, no i'm not emo today, and somehow typing this makes me feel emo, but no.. just a reminder of how things actually are.

54 years, 290 days to age 70.. thing is, i'm so scared of everyday now i wonder if that day will even be reached.. everyone talks about doomsday as if its nothing.. but somehow i treat all of this extremely depressing.. i avoid all these topics..

the money no enough 2, 3 days after watching, one scene still stuck in my mind and can still make me tear.. the part where the ma found out she got sent to old folk's home, that particular shot on her face. just remembering that alone makes me feel like tearing up even now..

anyway, reality is this, 20000 days to age 70.. i can't remember when i started from though.. i never track it at all.. everyday i just delete it casually, sometimes it makes me feel scared as i strike off a day, but still, remember, she is there, i will not be alone.. and so will everyone..

11 days to her birthday ^^

start on game?

finish this first, 15 days left to her birthday.


ok i finally decided to start work on my game. details pretty much unreleased (unless you know that sprite). Day 1 work posted.

light post

nothing much special, no, no depressions, jus a light posting only

today was updating my daily countdown, suddenly i felt like scared all over.. this is my life i'm counting down.. isn't it scary? but a few seconds later.. i told myself that well, she has gone there already, what am i scared of..

this countdown is worth it, even though it has jus become a daily routine, and no matter how scary counting down to the end of life is, u cant avoid it ultimately anyway, so im jus putting it in perspective, and when i'm suddenly scared of death, i can remind myself, she's already been through it, so i can go through it too.. so, its good, i have 20030 days to live here before i go to the next place.. and i can expect someone's there already, in fact lots of ppl will be there, not jus me alone.

7 more days to holidays.. will find a short job, save some money to buy stuff, and programme a game...

come to tink of it, 1 month before her birthday, its been long since i last went to visit her.

..

someone bloody kill me... or i want to go crazy...

i dun want this splitting of tasks... let me retake one year of poly... i dun wan to have to worry both fyp and acg...

u dun understand.. to spend 5 days analysing codes and to have someone else finishing doing it..

i now feel bloody crazy.................

how can i take revenge...? i feel like attacking the lecturers... who assign me such heavy responsibility of boring work..

no one will know anyway.... i shall separate from everybody else, i shall isolate myself..

i'm feeling... scared.. again..

again the same thing as wad i posted one or two entries ago... haiz....

bored, so i post

not really in emo mode now, btw, so this will be a normal post




woot i finally beaten Go My Way!! taiko drum after 3 weeks of trying.. seriously one of my principles in doing work is if you can't figure out the work, just keep trying, eventually you will figure out the answer..

coz last time when i coding, i was still very inexperienced, then things looked totally alien.. instead of 'going home to do' (that means give up), i stayed in sch and pia.. and several hours later i did it! the work is done! so ever since that i start to put in more hours in work..

coz human have this improvement skill, 2 months ago, i never would have dreamt i would be passing Kagekiyo, let alone this difficulty mode, that song looked impossible to me at that time. but playing every day consistently (thanks, Daily Challenge mode, for inspiring me) and i finally passed this song! now i beat this, what shall i do for the rest of the day?



finally we started doing proper practices for each saturday.. time to pia

















ok emo mode. i went to church just now. because i 'somehow promised'. i tried not to think of anything and went there. taking the train to aljunied. walked the nostalgic pathways. then i sneaked around to avoid seeing anyone familiar. eventually i reached the entrance outside, and i froze out and im too scared to go in. i went to eat lunch at the familiar coffeeshop, then i went the park outside the church and sat there for a while, then after 1.5 hours there, i went home. since its weird meeting church ppl if i ultimately did not go even though i wanted to see them. haiz.


4 more weeksss to next project

4th of april

today I had a dream which included her. I woke up feeling abit hurt.. I am quite wondering how long can I hold up this mindset. It's quite stressful for me since reality is she's gone. But without this mindset I will be much worse.

Paid a nice little visit to her youtube account again. Wanted to cry. I miss her. I think that's the only word I can use to describe right now.

Close my eyes, feel the surroundings around me, talk in my mind, and wait for replies. Has given me encouragements many times.

I wonder how's her parents and brother too. Their stress is several times more than me.

Anyways, good that work is easy, heheh.

23 march

just now i cried about my dog.

i thought about the day when he died. how would it feel like. my dog no longer in this house.

i said i will never give so much affection to any other thing after she died.

now its my dog.

thinking about it, i cried.

he's so active now.

how would it be after 12 years when he finally dies.

10th march

i declare this week as "Saving money for brawl" week, eating instant noodles and 1 foodcourt meal per day so i can get brawl next week (MUST. RESIST. BUYING. BRAWL. TODAY)

i'm feeling sad but now abit happier for now.
I'm sorry for being angry at a person when he doesn't even know what remarks made me avoid him. But I don't know how to get back. He already say sorry to me. I just don't like daily classmates reading my blog.

I talked to alot of church ppl the past few days. I don't know whether I really want to go back anot..